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Double Loss

I was just wondering…….When you lose something, how much do you really lose?

I started to ponder this question more after a recent event with my son and daughter- in-law. For weeks, we had been awaiting their visit to our winter escape hatch in the south. Just hours before their departure on Amtrak I received an urgent call from him declaring with hopeless certainty that they would not be coming.

Now worried myself, imagining the direst of possibilities, I shot back, “What’s wrong?” while attempting to control my rising panic.

“Carey lost her purse,” he countered,” and we won’t be able to get on the train.”

I calmed down now, relieved that no one was injured or sick, and was able to provide a more rational viewpoint to his loss of perspective.  After a few investigative questions, it appeared that the purse was most likely left in a cab.  Besides their concern over the items in the bag, such as the camera, her cell phone, some cash, as well as numerous personal items such as credit cards and driver’s license, he had convinced himself that they would not let her on the train without an I.D.  I suggested they check with an Amtrak official and they learned they would be admitted.

This only solved the trip or no trip dilemma, however, and they both continued to obsess over where the purse was, who would find it, what the finder would do with it, perfectly natural considerations under the circumstances.  After they had boarded the train, my son reported his wife was still crying so I asked to speak with her, hoping to take her focus off the purse so she could enjoy the trip.

As I gingerly attempted to comfort her, she replied petulantly, “Well, you would be upset too!”

“As a matter of fact, you’re right,” I responded, remembering our trip with them to Alaska when we took the White Pass Yukon sightseeing excursion. I had just purchased a new camera, and as the train made a brief stop to left off some hikers, I went outside on the platform to take a scenic picture of Skagway.  Just at that moment, someone pushed the door open which bumped my arm, and I watched in horror as my camera slipped out of my hand, onto the platform and slid down between the cars of the train, right in the center of the track. As the train slowly began to move forward my camera disappeared from sight.

I have never forgotten my reaction that day, because it was one of those times when circumstances in life present you with an opportunity to learn something, to grow, to mature.  Nothing like that was about to happen then, however, as I lamented over and over to my husband between sobs,“All of our pictures are gone, my new camera is gone,” as miles and miles of spectacular scenery passed me by.

Next, I would fix my attention on the conductor, plotting with him ways to retrieve my camera.

“I know just where it is,” I’d say. “Can I hike to the spot when I get back?  Can the next train retrieve it?”

Trying to be reassuring but also realistic, he would patiently answer that yes, the next train would look for it- they had already been alerted, but more than likely it had slipped off the side of the hill. My family tried to comfort me, but I was singularly focused on recovering that camera!  When we made a stop at a lovely garden, I was more interested in looking for other train officials so I could grill them about ways to retrieve my camera. While a number of people expressed sympathy, I’m sure the majority onboard wished that I might have met the same demise as my camera.

Here I was, supposedly an adult, having a meltdown over a CAMERA!

Remembering these events, I reminded my daughter-in-law of them, acknowledging that while yes, I would be upset,  being upset like me may not be the best course of action.  Her sobs began to turn into a chuckle, as I reinforced her change in attitude by reminding her that she was capable of being better than me.  She began to relax and settle into the trip, grateful now that they were able to get on the train.

The irony of both stories is that both the camera and the purse were recovered, fully intact, with all contents. The next train spotted my camera exactly where I said it was and it was waiting for me at the station at the end of the trip, and my daughter in law’s purse was turned into the police by the cab company.

This is a reminder that there are many people out there who can still be trusted, who will perform a good deed. Sadly, however, so much time wasted on worry, projection of disaster. But the question to ask yourself is what happens to you when you lose something?  Is it an immediate calamity?  Does it interfere with other situations? Does it ruin your day?  What else have you lost by your focus on something that may not even come true?

I was just wondering…….?

May 31, 2013 By Loss 1 Comment

Do You Love Cutting Your Carrots?

I was just wondering…..

Years ago I had a boyfriend who claimed he couldn’t make a commitment because I didn’t love the carrots while I was cutting them.  He was experimenting with macrobiotics and according to its founder, Michio Kushi, fully engaging yourself harmoniously with your food preparation is as important as the food you choose to eat. I got a lot of mileage about this over the years when I would laughingly complain to my friends what a crackpot he was. But many years later, armed with a lot more experience and knowledge, I’ve begun to wonder if maybe there might be something to it.

More than likely, like me, most of you are probably scratching your heads wondering why you should love your carrots while you chop them.  After all, most of us are in a rush, and if we are cutting carrots at all, we should be awarded. These days most of us are throwing dinner together quickly, which usually doesn’t even entail cutting carrots, perhaps while juggling a few other things at the same time.  Who cares how we feel about the carrots, or for that matter, what we are thinking about while we are doing it?

In recent years we have learned more and more about the concept called mindfulness. Mindfulness is the process of being fully engaged in whatever you are doing, whether it is driving your car, watching a movie, eating your dinner, brushing your hair and yes, even cutting your carrots.  It is the practice of learning to live in the moment, each moment of your life. This is not such an easy task, because our consciousness is usually focused on something other than what we are doing for the moment. This is why there are so many books available on the subject today. My personal favorite is Eugene Gendlin’s Focusing, but a more contemporary read would be Eckart Tolle’s The Power of Now.

Research indicates that practicing mindfulness is beneficial to our health. So how do we do it and what does it have to do with cutting carrots?  It is simply a matter of refocusing our awareness, moment to moment ,in order to enjoy what is happening in the now. It is learning to luxuriate in your morning shower, fully appreciating the warmth of the waterflow at the same time enveloping yourself in the clean scent of your soap. It means really listening to friends and family while enjoying their presence. It’s about fully attending to your driving rather than thinking about how you’ll handle your boss or what you will wear to the theater. It means you will slow down so that you are able to appreciate everything around you, to become aware of what you don’t usually see, to hear all the sounds surrounding you.  And yes, it means loving the carrots as you slice them, noticing the bold orange color, being thankful for the flavor they will add to your meal.

So, maybe you still don’t care. Maybe you think it’s not such a big deal. But here is what you might miss—–a spectacular sunset, your child’s sweet smile while he’s watching tv, the feel of the brisk air as you take a morning walk, the comfort of your favorite room, the softness of your towel as you dry yourself, the strong pungent aroma of your morning coffee, a tender touch or glance from a loved one, and the taste of those carrots in your dinner. So the questions is, what did you miss today because you were not mindful?  I was just wondering……

May 22, 2013 By Mindfulness Leave a Comment

Our Changing Brains

I was just wondering……

We have become so reliant on technology today that in some ways we may be losing our ability to think.  I myself am guilty of the instant google and I admit I am addicted to obtaining an immediate answer about anything I wonder about. While we are able to obtain information quickly, are we losing something from this immediate indulgence to our love of instant gratification and reliance on a computer brain?

Also, what is the effect of the computer age on childhood play and imagination? My adult son and I had a conversation about this the other day. He still enjoys playing video games, which exasperates me to no end, but he feels that the play of imagination can be learned to some degree through the computer and video games.  Perhaps some element of it, but it is definitely not the same kind of vibrant, spontaneous play that children of my generation enjoyed in our youth.

This leads me to further musings. For instance, what will be the long term effect, from the point of evolution, of our current technology on the structure of our brains?  Of even greater concern is what will be the long range effect of how these technologies are training us to react immediately, at the expense of everything else in our lives, to a simple beep? In one sense we are being conditioned like Pavlovian dogs.  When the phone beeps, we immediately rush to view the message.  I know, because I again plead guilty! Beep, react, beep, react. How will this rewire us and what will happen to the spontaneous sense of play and contemplation that arises out of pure imagination that doesn’t provide an immediate answer?

The new field of neuroplasticity has arisen to begin to look at the ways our brains change, now that we have become aware that they are so malleable.  What we are fast learning is that what we expose ourselves to is what we become. Our brains create new neurons and new pathways to enable these new activities. This idea has tremendous implications for us individually and for our future as a human race.  What kind of person do you want to be?  How do we want ourselves to be as a human race?

The really good news is that we then have a choice, a choice of what and how we want to be.  Once we have made that choice, then all we have to do is to expose ourselves to those ideas.  Kind of reminds you of brainwashing, doesn’t it?  The beauty is that we have control over this!  In brainwashing, someone else has made the decision what to implant as a belief system, but now that we know our brains are plastic, we can decide with careful thought and planning to what we should expose ourselves.  While this sounds like a simple undertaking, it is not as easy as it appears.  We may consciously plan to learn some things, but a lot of learning is going on all the time unconsciously and we are not used to paying attention to everything we do, everything we think.  Mind you, this means we are influenced by the news we watch, the movies we view, what we do for work, the company we keep, and how we spend our spare time, both in action and rumination.

For those of you interested in learning more about neuroplasticity, I would highly recommend the book “The Brain that Changes Itself” by Norman Doidge.  Meanwhile, let’s all start to become more aware of how we spend our time and to what we expose ourselves. As you review the events of your day will you be able to express satisfaction with the way you have trained your brain today?

Will you be able to include contemplation and thoughtfulness as methods employed to make your decisions?

Or will you spending too much time being trained by your technological appendages?

I was just wondering….

 

May 3, 2013 By Mindfulness, Technology Leave a Comment