Dancing in the Grocery Aisles

I’m not a big fan of the grocery store.  I like to go in, get what is on the list, and be done with it!  My husband, on the other hand, is enamored.  He loves to go there, spend some quality time, smell the melons, squeeze the tomatoes, carefully check the color on the bananas, sort through the fresh corn, look over the muffin choices, check out the desserts, ponder over the ice cream flavors, check out the nut choices, and finish in the candy aisle.  As you can see, he has a predilection for lots of bad stuff he shouldn’t be eating, but that’s another story.  Me, I grab the list, get my stuff, and I dance in the aisles while I wait for him to check out.  It’s not that I especially like grocery store music, but if I am standing, and music is playing, my body simply begins to move with it.  I can’t help it!  Sometimes I can be caught doing the yoga tree pose or even yoga airplane if I have a wide aisle.  Hey, it helps my balance, and I have nothing else to do while I am waiting.  I especially practice this while in the checkout line.  It really helps not to get irritated with waiting!  This true confession may leave you thinking I might be a little crazy. What’s wrong with that, I ask?  Can you consider adding a little bit of craziness to your life?  The organic crazy, not the drug induced kind.

 

So, let’s go with I may be a little crazy.  If you really think this is a bit crazy, you may be way too inhibited!  If you are constantly worrying about what other people are thinking of you, this also suggests you are probably too inhibited!  If you think people are staring at you or judging you, again, you are perhaps too inhibited.  And even worse, you are undoubtedly not having much fun throughout your day.  Instead you are too busy worrying rather than being able to focus on the moment and enjoy the “now.”  And strangely enough, those people you are worrying about judging you are actually way too busy worrying about themselves to really even notice you!  Eckhart Tolle, who wrote The Power of Now, advises, “Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be.”  We need to unshackle ourselves, and stop taking ourselves so seriously.

Have you ever seriously considered why alcohol and other recreational drugs are so popular?  The reason is that they give us the high that frees us up to be ourselves and enjoy ourselves.  Did you realize that you can actually achieve this state without ingesting one mood altering substance?  I want you to ask yourself why it is ok to be uninhibited if you are ingesting a drug, but not if you are sober?  What is the difference?  We must wonder about the message that our culture given us about spontaneity that makes us fear it.  Can you only set yourself free if you are high?  Many years ago, I used to sing Paul Simon’s famous tune, “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover,” to encourage myself to end a relationship.  These lyrics can be useful to encourage us to slip out of our protective gear and get our SELVES free!  It is wonderfully relieving to remove that defensive protective armor.   It is so much more fun than sitting in a bar, drinking alcohol. Instead, as Paul Simon suggests, “Just get yourself free!”

There are actually many positive reasons for becoming less inhibited.  As we allow ourselves to be more spontaneous, we become more creative.  Our brains become more flexible and our neural connections are enhanced in new ways.  Because we are less blocked, we can become more aware, more sensorily awakened.  Because we are not so blocked, we may see and hear things in an entirely different way. We may also feel more energetic because the freedom will allow us to be less stifled by our natural defensive armoring.  We will also feel happier, because a little dose of disinhibition will create a natural high through the release of our own endorphins and enkephalins. This happiness can be contagious and may infect those around you, compounding the spontaneous feelings of well-being.  This sense of well-being will also include the benefit of stress reduction, and stress reduction is the very best preventive medicine from illness. For those interested in the effects of stress on overall health, I highly recommend The Stress of Life and Stress and Distress by Hans Selye.

I recommend that you practice a little “naughtiness” every day.  Stretch your boundaries of impropriety, dare to be different, practice being authentic within your own skin.  Famous Humanistic Psychologist Carl Rogers said, “What is most personal is most general.”   We don’t have to fear being human in all of its expressions, as deep inside, we all know the same uncertainties.  Helen Keller, who was deaf and blind stated, “Life is a daring adventure or nothing!  If Helen Keller could experience life in this way then anyone can.  Throw off your shoes, be a little improper, find a way to enjoy every moment, and seek your adventure!  And the next time you go to the grocery store, if you see me dancing in the aisles, will you dance with me?  I was just wondering……..

Harnessing The Brain’s Neuroplasticity

Until recently, we believed that the brain formed in early life and that its capacity to grow and learn began to decline thereafter.  Newer research has demonstrated that the brain has an amazing neuroplasticity capacity.  This means that we can learn new, even complicated things late into life.  Because of what we have learned about the brain’s plasticity, we also know that we can unlearn things that were earlier programmed, such as a fear, or even more debilitating, phobias.  It means that if we are right handed, that even as adults we can learn to write with our left hand.  It means that you can change beliefs if you practice reciting opposing ideas.  Think about the possibilities!  Because of what your brain learns from it, your daily environment is a tremendous influence on how you feel about your life.  What would you like to learn, change, or overcome?  I was just wondering……

Let’s start with the concept of fear.  When I was very young, before I went to graduate school, I worked for several years for an airline.  Because I had a fear of flying, { fear of being confined in that space from which I could not escape}, I worked in reservations, not as an attendant.  However, we did receive free trips and I would prep myself with alcohol before flying, one time at 7:00 am to catch an early flight to Miami.  After I left this job and got into the mental health field, I spent many years studying for my advanced degrees during which time I made sure all of my traveling was either by car or by train.  Twenty nine years passed and my husband said he wanted to travel somewhere outside of North America, so we drove to Florida to take our first cruise.  The next year my husband announced that he would meet me in Florida for the next cruise because he was not willing to drive there again.  My flying phobia had grown really severe in all of these years of avoidance, but I knew it was time to face my fear.  So with great trepidation, I made the airline reservations four months before the planned trip and then I began the work to create new cerebral neurons that loved flying.  Twice a week I had long drives for nursing home consulting, and I began each drive by talking out loud to myself about how I loved flying.  I would remind myself of my accomplishments, note that many people fly and enjoy it and if they can do it so can I.  I basically engaged in a pep talk to myself for about 20 minutes.  I am convinced the verbal component is crucial because it prevents the mind from thinking an opposite thought.  Fears become greater because we give them a lot of attention. Every time we remind ourselves we are afraid of something and list the reasons why, we are reinforcing that fear and that thought races over the neural connection already established for it so that it becomes a deep trench in the brain’s neural connections. My verbal practice created a new fear free neural connection in my brain resulting in a fear free flight four months later.  Since then I have flown all over the world without fear.

Another way to empower the brain’s plasticity is to learn something new.  We all do this, of course, but often we allow our learning to decline after our school years and even more often after retirement.  But just like in childhood when we learn to walk, to talk, to ride a bike, etc., we can learn strange new things with practice.  While I was reading Norman Doidge’s book, The Brain that Changes Itself, I began writing the alphabet and one short sentence once a day for a month with my left hand.  As recommended in the book, I then stopped the practice and 4 months later when I attempted the same exercise, the writing was much improved!  The book explained that it takes some months for the new learning to coalesce and then the result is improvement.  When I broke my right wrist around this time, they handed me papers in the hospital and asked me to sign an X with my left hand.  I astonished the staff when I produced my signature with my left hand!  I highly recommend the Doidge book to anyone who is interested in learning and the brain.

At the same time we must realize that due to this plasticity, our brains are constantly learning from our environments.  Our belief system becomes structured by our surroundings.  Our brains learn not only from what we study and read, but also from what we watch on television and by the company we keep.  Even something as seemingly innocuous as a sitcom may teach us what we come to believe are acceptable norms.  Once our beliefs are formed, it is much harder to challenge them.  It is important to take a moment and try to think outside of the box and wonder about the learning environment of your brain.  Is it getting enough exposure to life enhancing information, or is its learning environment lacking in growth producing ideas and instead, its exposure is too narrow and one sided?  Does your living environment make you think or are you in a non-stimulating routine that does not promote enrichment? Are the people in your inner circle promoting growth and new ideas for you to explore or do they portray life as a struggle, every man for himself? Are they happy or complaining? Without your awareness, your brain is learning every single minute of your day.  You have control over that which you expose to your brain.  Think of your brain as a camera.  You can change its exposure.   Are you content with your daily education?  I was just wondering…………………

 

Look Again

As we welcome the New Year, many of us begin to agonize over the promise of our annual resolutions.  Because we so often fail at them or lose our commitment after a few months, I thought this year it might be fun to try something else.  Look again is a practice of quickly recreating reality.  It is fun, it is challenging, it is creative!  Are you willing to try something new?  I was just wondering…………………

Years ago, as physicists were attempting to perform a double screen experiment with light, trying to determine whether it was a wave or a particle, they became confused and frustrated.  The problem that occurred was that with each attempt to view the true nature of light, they became more confounded, as one time it appeared as a particle and the very next experiment demonstrated it to be a wave.  After a number of experiments, they finally concluded that it depended upon how you looked at it. Even more amazing, when a recorder was set up to observe the experiment, the electrons behaved in a particular way, different than when the recorder was not present.   This has awesome implications for the field of psychology and human behavior.  According to quantum mechanics, this means that consciousness defines how things behave.  So, the way we see the world is just that, the way we see the world, but not necessarily how the world is, because another consciousness (individual) sees it differently.  Also, the perspective and attitude of the viewer shapes the outcome!  We tend to think of reality as an ultimate truth, when in fact what you see is dependent upon how you look at it.  This is one of the reasons I love psychology so much.  There is no absolute reality.  When you have a disagreement with someone, from their perspective, they are right and from your perspective, you are right.  You are both right and you are both not right!  Quantum physics helps us to understand this dilemma, that is, it depends on how you look at it.

Since I first read about this concept I have remained fascinated by it.  I have tried to trace this in my own life.  I have thought myself fickle at times, because I like something, and then I don’t, but then I can see the other side and like it again for another reason.  Ultimately, I think this is a good thing because you become aware that you can always see it in a better way.  And we live by how we experience our lives.  We can be happy, we can be sad.  It depends on how we look at it.

For instance, how do you see your significant other?   I challenge you to look again.  Change your attitude and look once more.  You will learn to see the chameleon you create!  Think about it!  How much of who they are is real and how much is created by your attitude and baggage?

How about the other people in your life?  How do you treat them?  Are you really sure you are responding accurately?  Are you positive the people you don’t like are really as bad as you have concluded?  Can you look again and see them morph into something else?

Think about the things in your life you obsess over.  Do you really know why you are spending your time and energy doing this?  Knowing now more about this law of physics, can you see perhaps that things are not really the way you have been seeing them?  In order to confirm this possibility, all you have to do is to ask a few people what they think and you will get as many different answers as there are respondents!  Some will agree, sort of, wholeheartedly, a little, not at all, but they will be unlike your viewpoint.  Do you really need to hold on to these ideas that cause you distress and worry? Maybe things just aren’t exactly as you have perceived them!  Look for the hopeful and calming perspectives. As quantum physics would say, all the possibilities exist!  Chose a positive view!

Especially important is how you are seeing yourself.  Look again.  Make a list of positives if needed.  Read it every day to remind yourself that these traits exist and then look at yourself again.  Watch yourself improve as you sculpt yourself through your evolving perspective.  As the observer of yourself, you are the creator of the outcome!  That is an incredibly powerful concept!

As you begin to digest your newfound powers to create a more satisfying world by the way you are looking at it, never forget the profound authority you have over your life.  If you are not happy with what you are seeing, remind yourself of the kaleidoscope in your brain, and just shift the contents to create a new vision.  If you don’t like what you see, then shift again.  There is always another view.  Can you see it? I was just wondering……………………

 

 

Thankfulness

As I walked my dogs past Spring Lake recently, I encountered a wheel chair bound fellow basking in the sun, fishing.  I greeted him with a question, “Catch anything?”  He responded with a big smile and said “No,” without any regret, and then he laughed while he added, “It’s a good thing my wife went to the store.”  We began to chat and he informed me that he used to be a coal miner and that is where his accident occurred.  He told me he was 53, but the fact that he was paraplegic didn’t seem to disturb him at all, at least it certainly did not interfere with his ability to enjoy life.  I silently felt sorry for him, that he was unable to walk around the lake like me, that he missed out on so much that I can do that he cannot.  But I slowly began to realize that he may have a secret that I and others could learn from.  He clearly knew how to be thankful!  He was focused on what he could do, and he was definitely enjoying it! So how does a person make this transition from despair to contentment?  I was just wondering……..

During this season of Thanksgiving, this man offers us a wonderful lesson.  As I write this blog, I think of several people I know right now who are suffering deeply.  One lost a son to a tragic accident over a year ago and another lost a sister to suicide a few months ago.  These are both horrendous tragedies that even with the best efforts take time for healing.  But the most effective way to heal is always to focus away from oneself, by helping others and by being thankful for WHAT IS.

It is so easy for us to obsess about everything that is wrong with our lives. I have been guilty of that at times myself!  No one’s life is perfect!  Just remember that!  But we all have some perfection in our lives, and while we are bemoaning our sorry lot in life, all the good stuff is just waltzing on by, and  we are not even seeing it.  Just think of the happy movie going on right around us while we are lost in negative thoughts.  Perhaps we look at but don’t see the beauty of the sunset.  Maybe we miss the flower that bloomed.  Perhaps we don’t see the love offered to us because we are so enveloped in our sorrow.  Imagine that we miss the possibilities and opportunities that might make us feel better because we just can’t see beyond the sad movies we continue to view in our heads!

My favorite teaching from the Rhonda Byrne book The Secret is, “What you think about, you bring about.”  Just consider this for a moment.  Really take some time to think about how this has actually transpired in your life!  If you keep yourself into negative and unhappy thoughts, that is just where you stay.  If you begin to monitor your thoughts and change them to positive ones, then you suddenly begin to notice those beautiful and wonderful people, things, events that have always surrounded you but you simply overlooked!  Life is not about one event, one circumstance, one person.

Thanksgiving is our yearly lesson in thankfulness.  But this time I encourage you to make it a daily practice, so that you can enjoy Thanksgiving every day of your life and thereby reap the benefits of being daily nourished by the Thanksgiving message.  Every time you catch yourself being sorry, sad, depressed, discouraged, dissatisfied, angry, irritated, think immediately of something wonderful in your life. It is there!  I promise!  And you probably won’t have to look too far.

An exercise I often use to help people be thankful is to write down 20 things you like to do.  The list is a starting point to help you get focused on what makes you happy and thankful.  My list included even small things like drinking a hot cup of tea on a rainy day, watching my dogs play and roll around on the floor, feeling the breeze blow my hair while riding my bike or while walking the beach, or just spending time with good friends.  Sometimes the simplest things are the most meaningful.  Next, start doing them!

Helping someone else is another powerful way to overcome your own despair.  This will quickly focus you away from yourself and help to create concern and thankfulness.  But the best trick of all is to go to the nearest mirror, and instead of asking like the wicked witch, “Who is most beautiful?” just smile at the image before you and your troubles will magically begin to melt away as your own reflection connects to you empathically and knowingly and with forgiveness as you realize how you hurt you own soul. Celebrate your life this Thanksgiving by being grateful for it by making the very best use of it every day. Remember those who are gone by making them present in how you choose to lead your life and show your thanks to the living by being a gracious and inspiring light.

Can you make a promise to be thankful for yourself?  Can you promise to make the most of your life like the fisherman in the wheelchair, and make it a joyful encounter?  Will you treat yourself with love, caring, compassion by focusing on what it good and what you have to be thankful for rather than using your thought energy on things that can’t be changed or that you can’t have?  I was just wondering…..

Whirling Dervishes

The term whirling dervish evokes a sense of mystery and my interest in this phenomena goes back many years.  I am not even sure anymore where I first heard the following parable about the dervishes which goes something like this:

A tourist and his guide were traveling across the desert.  It was hot and arid and the trek was difficult. After crossing some distance, they began to see something on the horizon.  A mirage, of course, they both exclaimed.  What else could be in the middle of the desert?  As they approached, however, they began to discern there were people, and as they neared the group they were able to see that these people were whirling.  With so many people whirling the energy was totally chaotically.  In the center of all of this tumultuous activity sat a woman who was calmly reading a book.  The tourist was astounded!  He turned to his guide and asked with perplexity, “How can she possibly concentrate on reading a book amidst all that frenzy?”  The guide paused and then replied with an amused knowing smile, “She just lets the dervishes whirl, and eventually they all just fall over.”

I actually had the privilege to observe one during a trip to Egypt.  Simply put, a whirling dervish is an individual’s attempt, by using a specific approach, to achieve spiritual transcendence.  My group watched with fascination as the practitioner, decked out in layers of colorful flowing material, began to spin.  Starting off slowly, the individual increased the speed of the whirl as well as alternating his position, frequently changing the center of balance.  The effect was both amazing and beautiful.  While we were mesmerized as onlookers, the effect on the practitioner was even more profound, as he lost himself to the practice in which he was engaged.

So while we were mesmerized as observers of the whirling dervishes during our trip, try to imagine sitting in the midst of many of these dervishes dancing about madly!  Just like the tourist In the story surmised, it would be extremely difficult to read a book or do anything requiring concentration in the midst of such intense energy.  I have used this story for many years as a reminder to clients to stay out of the fray.  And the lesson is, all that appears so agitating eventually just goes away, just as the dervishes in the story drop from exhaustion.

This is not an easy task however.  I am reminded of the droppings of the cottonwood tree, beautiful fluffs of billowy white cottony balls that float slowly in the breeze. If you are walking around them it is difficult to avoid having them attach themselves to you. Also, they are lovely and fascinating and in one way you want to touch them, to try to discern their mystery. The whirling dervishes in our lives attach in the same way.  At first they may seem interesting, and we may barely notice that we are immersed in them.

Another less appealing but equally enticing analogy is the difficulty we have walking past a “trainwreck.”  Often times horrible things hold a certain fascination for us and we can become victims to its pull to engage us.  We crane our necks to view an accident that we pass, we move toward an altercation to hear what is going on, we watch engrossed at news reports of tragedies and calamities.  We can’t take our eyes off of someone’s bad behavior, because while revolting, it is also somehow captivating!

It is similar when we are not minding our own business, allowing ourselves to be pulled into something that does not concern us and then causes us great distress.  Or when we obsess over a problem, lose sleep, can’t eat, and just can’t let the bothersome thoughts go.  These are whirling dervishes in our brains, numbing our ability to concentrate and clogging our thought processes and disturbing our daily routines.

Think about what was bothering you last year.  Does the problem still exist?  What about six months ago?  What about last week? Do you still have the same concerns?  As time goes on, everything changes, and the truth is, many problems just dissipate without any sort of intervention.  But joining in with the fray will rarely help you to resolve a problem.  Allowing the dervishes to cloud your thinking will only prevent you from finding a solution.

The true whirling dervish practitioner is in a state of transcendence instead of a state of anxiety, worry or chaos.  He is not frightened by appearances, but instead is in a calm state of mind.  He is not distracted by appearances, but instead is focused on inner peace.  Can you learn to detach while you address the issues in your life?  If you have problems for which there is no apparent solution, can you disengage, remembering that everything changes and it most likely will not look the same in 6 months, next week, or maybe even tomorrow?  Can you stay out of problems that don’t need to concern you?  Can you just let the dervishes whirl like the puffs from the cottonwood tree and avoid having them stick on you? Can you resist their pull and stay centered and immune to the chaos around you?  I was just wondering…………………..

We Are All One

In the wake of recent tragedies here in the US and around the world, we are challenged with how to deal with our emotional responses. It is so easy to go directly to anger and even worse, hatred, for those who have perpetrated these horrendous acts of violence, but this only exacerbates the problem and engenders more of the same. We are left stunned, fearful, and ready to attack back, losing our important and powerful capacity for judgement and reasoning. Reacting with a full charge of emotion fueled by fear producing adrenaline, we most often make the wrong judgement and only pour more fuel into the already embroiled mass of emotion. But let’s stop for a moment and take our temperatures. How are you feeling? Are you sad, fearful, enraged, hopeless, confused? I was just wondering………………….

As I have explained in my book, Anger the Toxic Temptress: Understand It to Overcome It, anger acts as a defense mechanism. That is, anger blocks us from experiencing our true underlying feeling, a feeling of vulnerability. This is why it is so easy to go directly to anger in response to recent events. But it also means we are not actually dealing with our true feelings of vulnerability. It does not help to mask vulnerability with anger. It only ensures that the battle will continue.

But even more importantly, we are failing to understand that we are all interconnected, and that what hurts one of us hurts all. You may not be aware of this, or you may not view how this is directly happening to you or your loved ones, but let me help to make this clearer. Many years ago Ken Keyes, Jr. wrote about the hundredth monkey phenomena. While observing a Japanese monkey, scientists discovered that one monkey one day learned that washing a sweet potato removed the unpleasant tasting dirt. This new trick was taught from monkey to monkey across the island. But strangely enough, the same behavior began to be observed across the sea. Scientists came up with the “Hundreth Monkey” theory, that is, when a behavior reaches a certain critical number, that we collectively “get it,” almost as though the behavior is transmitted by ESP. This discovery lends credence to the concept that we are interconnected through some kind of force, or even more fascinating, that we are not only interconnected, but we are all a component of one large whole. Metaphorically speaking, once the big toe gets it, the new learning slowly travels throughout the entire body system. Think of each living creature as a part of the one, large, all-encompassing whole being, that we call by many names such as God, Buddha, Krishna, Allah, Great Spirit, Jehovah, Yahweh, or my own favorite, Order of the Universe. We are one collective consciousness. So, once one part of the body whole gets it, the rest eventually adapts to the new learning. This is critical to understand because we can then see that everything we do spills out into the universal being, that is everywhere throughout us. So it is so vital that right now we do not take the wrong path toward hate, anger, and revenge.

Another great example of this phenomena is the “butterfly effect,” coined by Edward Lorenz. This concepts states that a small change in one state can result in a large difference in a later state. Again, to simplify, Lorenz discovered that the flapping of wings of butterflies many weeks before a large hurricane system can influence the direction and force of that system. This phenomenon has also been known as the “ripple effect” or the “domino effect,” which also demonstrate how very small events spread out far beyond the area of initial impact. The implications of this are astounding. We come to realize that even the most seemingly insignificant action can have a staggering effect on future events.

We understand this phenomenon also in family systems therapies. Achieving change in only one person’s behavior will have a change effect on the entire system. Teaching someone to stop reacting, for instance, will often have the effect of eliminating the annoying behavior. It is a circular system. One change creates other changes. However, just as in the previous examples, the exact outcome cannot be predicted. However, we know that positive behavior generally elicits more positive behavior. Negative, angry, threatening behavior creates fear which results either in submission and withdrawal or in war.

I encourage everyone reading this to take a moment to take your emotional temperature. If you feel angry and hateful, I strongly urge you to connect to your underlying vulnerable behavior. Once you are there, then connect emotionally to the tragedy in all of this and make a promise that you will not add to the growing fury. Stay connected to the pain and try to find a way of understanding how we got here. Remember that great psychologist Carl Rogers said, “What is most personal is most general.” Think carefully with reason and good judgment, do you really want to hurt another part of the collective being of which we belong? Begin to understand that we are all one and that we must address this growing problem with an even temperament that does not cloud or judgment.

What is your emotional temperature? Can you connect with your vulnerability instead of hiding it with anger so that you can avoid reacting impulsively and dangerously? Can you remember that when you cause harm to another that it boomerangs back? Can you be a strong force so that we can collectively stop “shooting ourselves in our own hips?” I was just wondering……………………..

Erica Jong, Woody Allen, and the Human Condition

My book club recently read and discussed Erica Jong’s Fear of Dying, which elicited a lively conversation about the human condition. Having read her earlier book, Fear of Flying, as a psychology class assignment in the 70s, I was somewhat prepared for the author’s style, but I wondered if her latest book was going to be about sex in her sixties. It was marginally about sex, but it was more about acting out. While dealing with aging and dying parents and an ailing husband, the author tempers her existential angst by fantasizing about perfect, uncommitted sex and goes about seeking this distraction to her troubles by searching dating web sites. While some of the women in my group were horrified at the stupidity and danger of her attempts at hookups, I was merely amused at her pitiful efforts to immerse herself in something exciting as a replacement to her difficult life challenges. After all, it was just fiction! But this is what Woody Allen has mastered in all of his films, the ability to portray us with mocking absurdity and absolute frailty in our efforts to overcome our angst. To obscure our angst, we often find ourselves acting out, just like Vanessa Wonderman in Fear of Dying or like any of Woody Allen’s protagonists. The question to consider then, is what do you do when faced with an existential dilemma? Do you act out? In what way? Are you aware of it? Are there other options? Do you use other defense mechanisms? How do you escape the human condition?

I was just wondering……………

The existentialists such as Sartre, Camus, and Kierkegaard wrote a lot about the human condition and our difficulties in facing it. The Theatre of the Absurd also spawned from this movement and Eugene Lonesco portrayed us as helpless and farcical in our efforts to deal with our existence. Artist Edvard Munch portrayed his concept of this problem in his rendering of his famous painting, “The Scream.” Sigmund Freud added to the concept when he defined angst as inner turmoil often felt as intense apprehension and anxiety. Kierkegaard introduced the concept of anxiety as a feeling of dread, a deep seated condition arising from our freedom of choice. Arising from our decisions comes the concept of guilt, creating further anxiety related to whether or not we have made the correct choices. The human condition includes the concepts of birth, growth, emotions, conflict, death and all the ramifications of these issues. Existential angst haunts us in particular with such unanswerable questions as why are we here, what is death, is there a God, why are relationships exasperating, how do we get along? The human condition is that which occurs as a result of these dilemmas, which like the painting ”The Scream,” leaves us suspended in a frightening void.

As a therapist, I have come to view the human condition much like these existentialists, especially those who see the humor in our efforts to deal with our existential angst and the human condition. While there is always a time for sadness and human connectedness and empathy, I cannot help but feel amusement at times, even with myself at some of my pitiful efforts to deal with life. To me, it is bittersweet to observe the play between the difficulties that arise and our sometimes pathetic attempts to cope. But in a way, bittersweet describes the whole picture. It is not all bad and it is not all good. Some of our best stories about our lives are the ones we tell together with friends and family about when we did something absurd, crazy, but we can now look back and laugh at ourselves. I think this is a healthy way of coping, to forgive ourselves, see the humor, and never take ourselves too seriously. The people who cope the best with this whole angst issue are the ones who can make fun of themselves, understanding that no one is perfect and that after all, we are just human.

There are many other ways to deal with angst that are more functional than acting out. Concentration camp survivors endured by remembering their families, things that were meaningful to them. Others use their religious and/or spiritual beliefs to bolster them during trying times and religions also provide answers to many of our unknowns. Some find meaning in their life work, and that provides peace. While the larger question is how to find a sense of meaning, we still remained plagued by the day to day challenges that beset us like, why the one we love doesn’t love us back, why can’t we get ahead, why can’t we love ourselves, why do we feel so guilty, and so on.

My challenge to you today is to think about how you deal with some of these issues. Become more self-aware. Do you choose functional ways of coping, or do you act out like Vanessa Wonderman? Do you withdraw or rationalize your behaviors? Do you intellectualize? My best advice is to not be so hard on yourself! Do your best and if it’s a bit crazy for a while, that’s okay. We all have this frailty. See the humor in it! After all, we are only human. Can you forgive your errors of judgement ? Can you accept yourself as perfectly imperfect?

I was just wondering—————————.

 

 

All You Need Is Love

It’s Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air! Unless you’re a hermit living high in the Himalayas you can’t miss it! There are reminders everywhere. Drug stores and grocers have positioned flowers and balloons and all things red and romantic to greet you as you enter. Love today means commercial profit at the expense of continuing to sell us the fanciful notion that love happens one day of the year and has to do with flowers, candy, and, like I already said, all things red like hearts, sexy lingerie, cute teddy bears with big red hearts or bows, and we can’t forget expensive jewelry! Valentine’s Day enhances the notion that love is about sex and romance, like the perfectly coordinated release of the film “Fifty Shades of Gray.” Whoa, don’t get me wrong, people, been there, done that {well maybe not ALL THAT!} I certainly welcome a little romance now and then, but let’s get real! While The Beatles may have it right when they claim “Love is All You Need,” what does that really mean,? Lots of hearts and flowers, poetry in the morning, obsessive thoughts of the loved one, perfect passionate sex, starry-eyed engagement with your soul mate? Or what? Something else? I was just wondering………..

The media has capitalized on the notion of selling love with the idea of sex, at the expense of leaving out the rest. My generation watched X-rated movies like “The Story of O” and “The Last Tango in Paris” with shock and titillation. Marlon Brando thrusting his lover against a wall as she straddled his body with her legs was almost embarrassing then. Now it is not even X-rated, just another ordinary sexploited film. Today we have E. L. James informing us what love is, when my generation had to resort to D.H. Lawrence’s Sons and Lovers, which I discovered hidden in my father’s bureau. I made a habit of sneaking stealthily into their room when my parents went out so I could learn about love! This was much more interesting than Cinderella! After all, how else could you expect to learn about love? No one knew much more about it then than they do today.

We spend a lot of time on days other than Valentine’s Day wondering how to get the love we want. No one ever seems to have enough. If it’s not our lover who disappoints us, it’s our mothers {yes, it’s always mother’s fault}, or our kids who don’t love and appreciate us, or our siblings who just live on another planet. So, some of us just keep on looking for satisfaction in that new, exciting, mysterious, romantic relationship, the forbidden one, the secret one, the perplexing one, the trying one, and for a while all of our narcissistic fantasies are fulfilled. We forget about mother, and the kids, and crotchety dad as long as we have that perfect mate, the one who bewitches us so that nothing else matters. And then suddenly one day, the warts begin to appear, one by one, until Prince or Princess Charming slowly fade from sight. And we return to reality, waiting in anticipation to be carried away again. Yes, I’ve been on those magic carpets, but those rides only last as long as the mystery remains.

While there is a time for all that, if you want to really feel love, start by giving. Love isn’t exclusive to your lover! Help those in need and see the thanks in their eyes. Sprinkle kindness throughout your day and see if that doesn’t make you feel as good as a bouquet of flowers. Do something loving for your family members and feel the love in return. Forgive your spouse. See the glass half full, not half empty. Focus on their good points and overlook the bad. After a while you may be surprised at how much love you feel.

The easiest way to get love, however, is to learn to love yourself. Never forget this! Get to know yourself. Honor and grow your strengths. Behave in ways that allow you to take pride in your behavior. Treat yourself with respect and demonstrate this in your appearance and your relationships with others. Learn from you errors. Nurture yourself and treat yourself for good behavior! Take time out every day for yourself, to do the things that restore and nourish you. Treat yourself with the same tenderness as you would a new lover or a newborn child. You deserve it, and if you begin to believe this then those around you will feel it too. Your self love will become infectious and people will want to be around you, and they will love you too.

There is a time for the dazzling love exploited everywhere today. But if you want enduring love, it is based on reality, not fantasy. You better enjoy something more together than just hot sex! Real humans are imperfect, and to discover a perfect love is to see imperfections and to keep on loving anyway. It takes the courage to tread through lots of muck, to hammer out problems, to remain steadfast even when your insides are crying to leave. Because when you and your significant other overcome the obstacles in your path, you are stronger and your bond becomes deeper. Real love is worth the effort. It’s the only way you get it. So, are you willing to make the effort to first love yourself?   Next, do you have the courage to face the challenges of a relationship to see past the fantasy? Can you look beyond hearts and flowers? Are you brave enough to face reality? Or have you booked a trip for the next romantic adventure? What will you choose to find love? I was just wondering……

 

 

Addressing Ebola, The Secret Service, and Other Examples Of The Keystone Cops in Action

I recently returned from a month long cruise during which our ship was infected with Norovirus among other things. Apparently Princess Cruise Line was aware of the problem but chose to continue their schedule anyway, without warning any of its new would be passengers. They did inform us a month before the departure that two of the ports for which we booked the cruise were being cancelled because of a problem that Princess had with one of their engines. When I suggested that we may want to cancel we were informed that we would only be refunded with vouchers, part of which would be on an airline we would never use again. So, we went, reluctantly. If you google “Sea Princess, trip from hell” you can discover more detail about this voyage. Because of the norovirus, the dining areas were supposed to be using universal health standard precautions; however, the staff in the buffet area was incredibly lax in following those guidelines. Additionally, we were stranded on a dock for over 4 hours because a gale wind arose that supposedly no one knew was coming? Many elderly people stood with walkers and canes and the cruise staff could not think of anything to do about finding shelter or comfort? When I asked about a bathroom and received an inadequate answer I actually had to direct them to arrange for a van to transport people to a bathroom. The question is, do the Keystone Kops run everything today? Doesn’t anyone have a brain? Is there no one who can take their job seriously and do what is necessary? I was just wondering———–

But even more troubling than enduring a vacation gone wrong are the recent examples of inadequacies with the Secret Service and those involved in the Ebola case in America. While the errors of judgment with the White House incident are surely troubling, the handling of the Ebola situation is more than frightening to me. When we contemplated our trip last March I was reading about the spreading Ebola epidemic in Africa and I expressed some fear of travel in August due to the risk of Ebola exposure through air flight. No one of authority seemed to take this threat seriously so we continued with our plans. Now 6 months later we have a case of Ebola here in this country and it continues to spread rapidly in Africa with thousands of deaths. We were reassured again and again, that in the unlikely event that Ebola would find its way here that our health care system was completely prepared to handle it.

Here is the problem as I see it. The responsible and competent operation of the cruise line, the secret service, and the health care system are completely dependent on the individual functioning of everyone involved. Often, it just takes one human error to cause a calamity. Only one individual! And sadly, in my observation of people at work these days, not too many people take their jobs very seriously anymore. In addition, those in higher positions of authority are too busy enjoying their perks to actually supervise what is going on around them.

Even when someone takes their job seriously in the health care field, it is very easy for contamination to occur. Having consulted in many nursing facilities over the course of many years, I personally witnessed competent individuals caring for patients with contagious infections while properly wearing their protective gloves. However, they would open the bathroom door with the gloves on and sometimes the room door as well when they finished. There were other things they sometimes touched while still gloved and all of these areas were potentially contaminated. Cdiff and MRSA are easily spread within health care facilities and more than likely it is not the patient who is doing the spreading!

So back to the case of Ebola in our country. We have already witnessed once again a rapidly cascading series of errors. Ebola is an illness about which we cannot afford to make mistakes. The one case will turn to two and most likely more. I hope I am wrong. I hope that the CDC does not remain stuck in arrogant attitudes that prevent them from seeing this threat in a new light. I hope that someone of vision takes the reigns of authority and begins to make better decisions about allowing air travelers from stricken countries to come here, someone who takes better precautions about isolating potentially exposed individuals so that the number of people exposed does not continue to grow. And someone who arranges better care for those frightened individuals who are in isolation, in terms of cleaning their exposed environment. Not one other individual in America should have to suffer this horrible illness unless the bumbling Keystone Kops remain in charge. It’s time to wake up to our failures and to begin to wonder why so many institutional operations are incompetent. The problem includes not only careless workers and their tunnel visioned supervisors, but also the management systems who fail to see the loopholes where failures occur.

I’m not really sure why it is occurring, but not enough people today have any sense of pride in their work. Perhaps we are spoiled and too rooted in our own issues. Or perhaps, as I’ve said before, we don’t really think enough. Whatever the problem, I know that you will agree we are always having to phone somebody about an appliance, a phone, a computer not working, a bill is incorrect, and just try getting a correct answer from India! It’s time for the Keystone Kops [and this definitely includes Congress] to bequeath our institutions and businesses to individuals of integrity who will take charge with competent authority. But who will that be? How do we fix this? I was just wondering——

 

 

 

The People of Kiribati

As I was riffling through old travel pictures the other day I came across a picture from Kiribati, an island nation smack in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, isolated in all directions from civilization. We were on a cruise to Hawaii, but about halfway through the itinerary, we took a two day excursion south to this group of tiny remote islands.  There seemed to be no reasonable explanation for this four day excursion to and from the equator, so far from the populated Hawaiian Islands.  Rumors were that it afforded the cruise line some kind of tax incentive.  So as we ruminated about what these small islands peppered across the middle of the Pacific nowhere would be like, I wondered about the natives who lived there.  Would they be accustomed to visitors? Would they welcome us?  What would it be like to live at such a location, so remote from modern civilization?  How would one experience life on Kiribati?  Would we pity their lack of modern conveniences?  I was just wondering……………..

As the ship docked, we were greeted by the mellifluous singing of the children of Kiribati who were sitting serenely in a circle near the dock. The music, so enchanting, seemed to cast a spell on us as we slowly disembarked to the lilting melodies.  The emotional effect of the music and the overall scene was profound and many of us found ourselves weeping with an intense feeling of connection to these strangers. Yet, at that moment we were one.  It was magical. We were mesmerized.

My own reverie was interrupted when I suddenly noticed that people began to hand money to these innocent beings.  The idea of it was somehow disquieting to me.  It was a transcendent moment and money didn’t belong in it.  But my shipmates seemed to feel sorry for them and thus, wanted to give them something.  While I understood the reason for it, the idea of rewarding something that was a beautiful shared experience somehow didn’t seem appropriate to me. To muddy such an almost sacred event with money was sacrilegious. Then I wondered what they would even do with it.  There were no stores to explore.  There were no roads.  There was no electricity.

The moment passed and we moved slowly onto the island as the dulcet melodies faded behind us.  Many rushed toward the idyllic beach peppered with Norwegian Cruise Line plastic while chairs, and as I observed the onslaught, I could envision an Andy Warhol painting of that scene.  The entire beach area was prepared for a huge outdoor barbeque.  A volley ball net hugged the coastline as people gathered to engage in the prepared activities.

We continued to walk, slowly absorbing the surrounding beauty unfolding with sweet, fragrant scents, and a soothing breeze.  As we trekked inward from the coast, the sound of drums called to us and we soon found ourselves at a rustic pavilion. Dancers in native costumes appeared and soon a performance was underway. The dances were lively and invigorating.  Again, an enjoyable experience, but nothing like the moving event of our entry onto the island.  This, too, was followed by a reward of money, tossed by us into straw hats which served as native cash registers.  I continued to be confused, wondering again what they would do with the money.

As we left this area, we approached the “town” composed of huts made from bamboo and other plants native to the area.  While I have been to other primitive environments, I had never encountered one so completely isolated from the rest of the world as this one.  Nor have I since.

As we began to make our way back toward the ship, the usual and customary “gift shop” lined walkway greeted us, tables bountifully filled with hand -made trinkets.  Smiling faces waited, as these innocent people eagerly displayed their wares.  Again, money turned up, and my shipmates seemed, once again, more than happy to part with it to reward these lovely people for their labors.

I continued to ponder this experience as we approached the ship.  Is everything about money?  What would they do with it?  There was nowhere to buy anything that we observed.  Perhaps the reason for the journey to Kiribati was to take supplies to them that they purchased from the ship with this money they made from the tourists on it.

The island is pristine.  The natives seemed ingenuous, happy, content.  Everything they seem to need is at their fingertips.  They have the sea and the land for their food.  I wondered why we pitied them.  But did I?   Don’t we often dream of being on a deserted island?   Perhaps we were the ones to be pitied.  We have issues.  We have stress.  We have problems.  We get mad when we don’t get out way.  We need things that they don’t need.  I fear that our money will destroy their innocence.  Perhaps they, like us, already lust for money.  My thoughts roiled for clarity.  As I watched this idyllic land slowly fade from view I pondered my experience there.  Who are the lucky ones?  Who should be pitied, the people of Kiribati or us?

I was just wondering……………..