With Mother’s Day fast approaching I began considering what it really means to be a mother. For some, it evokes a warm loving feeling, but for others, the concept of mother makes one cringe. But these reactions we have to the word mother do not really describe what a mother is. Because of adoption, we know that you do not have to bear a child to be a mother. So what does being a mother really mean and how do we measure up? I was just wondering……
So when we think of mother, what is it we expect from her? First, a mother is our caregiver. She provides for us, prepares our meals, buys our clothes, and provides a home. A mother is a mentor, she provides us with guidance throughout life, not just in childhood. She gives us advise when we are confused or when we face new challenges. She is someone we look up to. A mother is a good listener. If she is really good at this, then she will always be there when you need her. A mother is a nurse; she tends to us when we are sick. She is nurturing and reassuring. A mother is also our first teacher. She teaches us to talk and many, many more things as we grow. A mother is a friend. We do fun things with her. She plays with us. We learn to laugh with her and she keeps us company. But most of all, a mother is a bundle of love. She is the one we know we can turn to no matter what, that she will be there, accepting us unconditionally. She is our greatest champion!
But real mothers are not usually so perfect! Mothers are human like us all. They make mistakes. They get angry. They lose their tempers. They get impatient. They say the wrong thing. They get distracted and ignore you. They have their own needs, which sometimes interfere with their ability to fulfill ours. I know all of this because I am a mother and I have a mother! I sometimes catch myself shuddering when I find myself repeating things my mother did that I despised. Despite our mother’s errors, we can learn from their mistakes. We can grab for the good that they offer to us and we can choose to correct their errors when we see them in ourselves. But I also swell with pride when I realize that I am behaving just like my mother when I am forgiving of others, seeing the good in people, being emotionally available to those I love.
While we think of a mother as someone who raises you, who guides you throughout life, it is not always that individual who provides the acts of mothering. This is why some people have trouble labeling their biological mothers as mother. While they may be physically present, the one who is in the house with you, they do not contribute to your emotional needs and sometimes not to your physical needs as well. They are mothers by biology but not by definition of a nurturing presence. That is why the concept of mother is actually much larger than the person who contributed to your genes or even the person who raised you. So even if you had a really bad mother, I would challenge you to think of someone who took an interest in you, who provided guidance, kindness, and support. Many teachers have provided this to children from emotionally and physically abused families. Sometimes it is a neighbor or sometimes a relative who fills this role. The role of mother can be assumed by someone who is a mentor, someone you look up to, who is available, who listens, and who provides some of the traits that we think of in an ideal mother.
As Mother’s Day approaches, we need to think about who provides this love and support for us? Is it our biological mother? Is it an aunt? Is it a teacher? Is it a combination of people? Who has been there for you? Who do you need to thank? But more importantly, are you providing the qualities of motherhood to someone? Are you proud of how you are performing your job? And who may need you that you may have overlooked? I was just wondering……….