psychology blog | Dr. Diane Mahoney, PhD

Who Is Your Best Teacher?

When you ask yourself the question, who is your best teacher, most of you will most likely recall someone from your school days, someone you liked who imparted knowledge to you in the form of facts or information. For me it brings to mind an English teacher I had in my senior year in high school who was very stern and strict but sure knew her stuff. Then there may be the teacher who you just liked so much because of their pleasing personality and helpful attitude. As you get older you may begin to think of a parent or role model or mentor who has influenced you and is your best teacher in life. These are the people who show you about life, who teach you how to basically deal with life, how to succeed, how to cope, etc. Perhaps religion is your guiding force or just simply your value system or philosophy. Maybe you learn best from reading books or attending classes. So think about it. Who is your best teacher? I was just wondering…..

More recently I have become aware of an incredibly powerful source of learning, one sometimes difficult to use, but one that will speed your growth dramatically if you are brave enough to learn from it. I call it bad behavior. How can you learn from bad behavior, you may be asking. Well, by not engaging in it yourself. The first time I became aware of this lesson was from a behavior of my mother’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my mother and I have learned lots and lots of good stuff from her, but her gift receiving behavior left a lot to be desired. As a child I would get very excited about getting her Christmas, birthday, or Mother’s Day present, but she, invariably would open it, look at it strangely, and then make some kind of comment about how it wouldn’t fit, or she didn’t use those, or she didn’t wear that color, or some such thing. Year after year we had to return those gifts and it soon became a family joke. We just accepted that she wouldn’t be satisfied with the gift. Eventually we got wise enough so that we all started to take her shopping before these celebrations so that she could pick out her own gifts, try them on, and then on the holiday she would exclaim with great pleasure and feigned surprise how pleased she was with her gift while the rest of us would roll our eyes and chuckle inwardly. It worked!

A few years ago I unwrapped a gift from my son and daughter-in-law, looked at it with puzzlement and asked, “Why did you get me this?” I immediately felt my mother’s words being channeled through my voice and I was horrified, stricken with feelings of shame and embarrassment. I quickly apologized, noted my bad behavior, and believe me I have NEVER done THAT again. I have also learned from a friend who beats a dead horse not to beat my dead horse so much, from students who talk too much in class not to raise my hand so often, and from chronic complainers to try to keep my woes to myself (still working on this!). I am also learning to become less reactive as I have had many teachers who have made me crazy while demonstrating their reactiveness to me. I have learned to be less judgmental from those who annoy me pouring out judgments of others. So for me at this stage of my life, my best teacher is my unpleasant response to someone’s bad behavior followed by an internal check for signs of it in myself. If I’m honest and I can find it within myself, then it goes on my to-do list for self-improvement.

So, who do you think is your best teacher? Is it someone who teaches you what to do or do you learn more or equally well from someone’s bad behavior, someone who teaches you what NOT to do? We are used to learning from those who teach us good things, but it takes a courageous person to learn from someone’s bad behavior. Maybe you don’t have to keep avoiding those people who make your skin crawl. Perhaps the next time you cringe because you can’t stand someone’s behavior it’s time to take a quick inventory to see if it echoes internally. Do you ever do this? Perhaps that is the real reason for the skin crawling cringe. Is personal growth important to you? Do you have the metal to face yourself? I was just wondering…….

Aug 10, 2013 By dianekmahoney Uncategorized 2 Comments

Double Loss

I was just wondering…….When you lose something, how much do you really lose?

I started to ponder this question more after a recent event with my son and daughter- in-law. For weeks, we had been awaiting their visit to our winter escape hatch in the south. Just hours before their departure on Amtrak I received an urgent call from him declaring with hopeless certainty that they would not be coming.

Now worried myself, imagining the direst of possibilities, I shot back, “What’s wrong?” while attempting to control my rising panic.

“Carey lost her purse,” he countered,” and we won’t be able to get on the train.”

I calmed down now, relieved that no one was injured or sick, and was able to provide a more rational viewpoint to his loss of perspective. After a few investigative questions, it appeared that the purse was most likely left in a cab. Besides their concern over the items in the bag, such as the camera, her cell phone, some cash, as well as numerous personal items such as credit cards and driver’s license, he had convinced himself that they would not let her on the train without an I.D. I suggested they check with an Amtrak official and they learned they would be admitted.

This only solved the trip or no trip dilemma, however, and they both continued to obsess over where the purse was, who would find it, what the finder would do with it, perfectly natural considerations under the circumstances. After they had boarded the train, my son reported his wife was still crying so I asked to speak with her, hoping to take her focus off the purse so she could enjoy the trip.

As I gingerly attempted to comfort her, she replied petulantly, “Well, you would be upset too!”

“As a matter of fact, you’re right,” I responded, remembering our trip with them to Alaska when we took the White Pass Yukon sightseeing excursion. I had just purchased a new camera, and as the train made a brief stop to left off some hikers, I went outside on the platform to take a scenic picture of Skagway. Just at that moment, someone pushed the door open which bumped my arm, and I watched in horror as my camera slipped out of my hand, onto the platform and slid down between the cars of the train, right in the center of the track. As the train slowly began to move forward my camera disappeared from sight.

I have never forgotten my reaction that day, because it was one of those times when circumstances in life present you with an opportunity to learn something, to grow, to mature. Nothing like that was about to happen then, however, as I lamented over and over to my husband between sobs,“All of our pictures are gone, my new camera is gone,” as miles and miles of spectacular scenery passed me by.

Next, I would fix my attention on the conductor, plotting with him ways to retrieve my camera.

“I know just where it is,” I’d say. “Can I hike to the spot when I get back? Can the next train retrieve it?”

Trying to be reassuring but also realistic, he would patiently answer that yes, the next train would look for it- they had already been alerted, but more than likely it had slipped off the side of the hill. My family tried to comfort me, but I was singularly focused on recovering that camera! When we made a stop at a lovely garden, I was more interested in looking for other train officials so I could grill them about ways to retrieve my camera. While a number of people expressed sympathy, I’m sure the majority onboard wished that I might have met the same demise as my camera.

Here I was, supposedly an adult, having a meltdown over a CAMERA!

Remembering these events, I reminded my daughter-in-law of them, acknowledging that while yes, I would be upset, being upset like me may not be the best course of action. Her sobs began to turn into a chuckle, as I reinforced her change in attitude by reminding her that she was capable of being better than me. She began to relax and settle into the trip, grateful now that they were able to get on the train.

The irony of both stories is that both the camera and the purse were recovered, fully intact, with all contents. The next train spotted my camera exactly where I said it was and it was waiting for me at the station at the end of the trip, and my daughter in law’s purse was turned into the police by the cab company.

This is a reminder that there are many people out there who can still be trusted, who will perform a good deed. Sadly, however, so much time wasted on worry, projection of disaster. But the question to ask yourself is what happens to you when you lose something? Is it an immediate calamity? Does it interfere with other situations? Does it ruin your day? What else have you lost by your focus on something that may not even come true?

I was just wondering…….?

May 31, 2013 By dianekmahoney Loss 1 Comment

Our Changing Brains

I was just wondering……

We have become so reliant on technology today that in some ways we may be losing our ability to think. I myself am guilty of the instant google and I admit I am addicted to obtaining an immediate answer about anything I wonder about. While we are able to obtain information quickly, are we losing something from this immediate indulgence to our love of instant gratification and reliance on a computer brain?

Also, what is the effect of the computer age on childhood play and imagination? My adult son and I had a conversation about this the other day. He still enjoys playing video games, which exasperates me to no end, but he feels that the play of imagination can be learned to some degree through the computer and video games. Perhaps some element of it, but it is definitely not the same kind of vibrant, spontaneous play that children of my generation enjoyed in our youth.

This leads me to further musings. For instance, what will be the long term effect, from the point of evolution, of our current technology on the structure of our brains? Of even greater concern is what will be the long range effect of how these technologies are training us to react immediately, at the expense of everything else in our lives, to a simple beep? In one sense we are being conditioned like Pavlovian dogs. When the phone beeps, we immediately rush to view the message. I know, because I again plead guilty! Beep, react, beep, react. How will this rewire us and what will happen to the spontaneous sense of play and contemplation that arises out of pure imagination that doesn’t provide an immediate answer?

The new field of neuroplasticity has arisen to begin to look at the ways our brains change, now that we have become aware that they are so malleable. What we are fast learning is that what we expose ourselves to is what we become. Our brains create new neurons and new pathways to enable these new activities. This idea has tremendous implications for us individually and for our future as a human race. What kind of person do you want to be? How do we want ourselves to be as a human race?

The really good news is that we then have a choice, a choice of what and how we want to be. Once we have made that choice, then all we have to do is to expose ourselves to those ideas. Kind of reminds you of brainwashing, doesn’t it? The beauty is that we have control over this! In brainwashing, someone else has made the decision what to implant as a belief system, but now that we know our brains are plastic, we can decide with careful thought and planning to what we should expose ourselves. While this sounds like a simple undertaking, it is not as easy as it appears. We may consciously plan to learn some things, but a lot of learning is going on all the time unconsciously and we are not used to paying attention to everything we do, everything we think. Mind you, this means we are influenced by the news we watch, the movies we view, what we do for work, the company we keep, and how we spend our spare time, both in action and rumination.

For those of you interested in learning more about neuroplasticity, I would highly recommend the book “The Brain that Changes Itself” by Norman Doidge. Meanwhile, let’s all start to become more aware of how we spend our time and to what we expose ourselves. As you review the events of your day will you be able to express satisfaction with the way you have trained your brain today?

Will you be able to include contemplation and thoughtfulness as methods employed to make your decisions?

Or will you spending too much time being trained by your technological appendages?

I was just wondering….

May 3, 2013 By dianekmahoney Mindfulness, Technology Leave a Comment

The Truth…Or Not the Truth

I was just wondering………when should we tell the truth or not tell the truth? Most of us like to believe that we are always honest and always tell the truth.

Hmmmmm.

I think the truth is a little fuzzier than most of us believe.

While I was lost in thought the other day writing my first column, a friend phoned me. I shouldn’t have answered, which was confirmed immediately as I heard her ranting hysterically about a pair of boots. This friend is great fodder for amusement, however, so as she interjected that the present situation was like a Seinfeld episode I began to listen more carefully. I soon realized that this may be good! So, my interest now piqued, I listened intently as she related her story.

It seems as though several month earlier a woman in her apartment complex offered her a pair of second-hand boots she felt that she no longer wanted. My friend went on to explain at length how she resisted, with questions like “Are you sure you don’t want them?” and so on. Having been duly assured, my friend took the boots, claiming them now as her own. After she wore them a few times she decided they hurt her feet and they were no longer useful to her.

As my friend is wont to do, anything that she finds useless soon makes a trip to the consignment shop. My friend actually has a part time job there. No, not as a paid employee, mind you, but as the recipient of the money we all pay to acquire someone else’s clothes. She does all right for herself and it has become almost an art form for her.

Anyway, I digress. So, back to the boots.

As I continued to listen to her ravings, I came to realize that she was, in fact, driving full speed toward that very consignment shop. I expressed a brief concern about her ravings while driving, but when my friend is in one of these states the listener can barely get in a word, let alone be heard, so I gave up on this idea, put the phone on speaker and let her rant.

Sometimes it’s just better to keep quiet and this was one of them.

What I was able to assemble out of this mumble jumbo were things like, “When someone gives you something, it’s yours, right?” “Once they give it to you you can do whatever you want with it, right?” You probably have guessed by now, but it seems as though the giver of the boots left her a message that she would like to borrow them back now to wear somewhere special.

At about this time my friend arrived at the consignment shop and after a rapid appraisal of the current stock she exclaimed in a state of horror, “They’re gone!” It seems as though she hoped she could still salvage this mess, but now all hope was gone. To further complicate this dilemma, she now would be the recipient of profit from her action.

My friend’s thoughts quickly shifted to what lie to tell about the boots, things like: she spilled nail polish on them, she lent them to someone else, she lost them, they’re at the shoemaker’s being reheeled, and so on. She asked me which story would be most suitable, and at first I demurred, noting that only she could answer that question for herself. Finally, unable to withstand her pressure anymore, I shouted in exasperation,

“How about the truth?”

This seemed to come as a refreshing surprise to her as she mulled it over. “Maybe I will,” she replied, but I heard enough “maybe” in her response to know that the solution was still under question.

A simple moral dilemma, another little joke on the human condition.

What should she do?

What would you do?

I was just wondering….

Apr 26, 2013 By dianekmahoney Ethics Leave a Comment

I Was Just Wondering

I was just wondering………when did we forget how to think?

A friend of mine recently suggested I write a column.

I don’t know where the idea came from, because she didn’t even know about my lifetime of musings.

All of us have a period of time during our childhoods when we incessantly ask “Why?” “Why do we have to go to bed now?,” “Why do we have to brush our teeth?,” “Why do the leaves fall off the trees?” We never stop wondering about things then, but when does the WONDER stop? Fortunately or unfortunately, as you would have it, no one I know has ever had a reprieve from that question from me! My husband would love for me to “put a sock in it” just once in a while, but I just cannot put a plug into my incessant desire to see the many flavors, colors, ideas and ways of viewing things and the world. After all, I am a Gemini but perhaps it is more a byproduct of my profession as a psychologist and life coach.

Anyway, after the friend put the idea of a column into my head it didn’t take me long to realize that this was my opportunity to get us all thinking again, thinking about our choices, our beliefs, our decisions, our values, and maybe even our morals. Read More

Apr 7, 2013 By dianekmahoney Mindfulness 1 Comment